Doubt

This is what I have been doing in the past few weeks of my life. I am a professional wedding guest.

This is only one of the pictures from the 3 weddings I have been to in the last month. Two of the weddings were in Kansas City. I had the pleasure of showing some of my Institute friends the beauty of KC. Asha's wedding was last weekend and it was a little Insty reunion. So blessed by this group of people.

After I returned from the wedding, I was exhausted. Oh did I mention I threw a shower for Kristen that weekend too? Anyway, I had a huge list of projects (18 in total) and I have been discouraged by fundraising. I haven't received anything in a week. I have 48% of my funds raised. But to clue you in, 48% of a lot of money is still a lot of money.

I walked to my mailbox last night, and I saw nothing there (little did I know that my precious suitemate had already grabbed my mail) and as I walked to my room I was admitting to the Lord that I had failed to trust Him, yet again (a lesson I learn far to often) and that I knew that this trip was in His hands. I was waiting on Him.

I walked into my room and saw the white envelope with the Dig Deep sticker on it. I immediately opened it and there was a check that singlehandedly moved my total from 48% to 69% (at this point I would like to add that the Lord was probably sitting on His throne, shaking His head at me and saying 'I knew this all along, I told you I would provide, oh you of little faith. Have I EVER failed you?').

Lesson (none of this is new): He provides in ways we never could imagine.

Lesson: He is faithful even when I am not.

It's Not About Me.

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, valuable, but small.

And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?

So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?

I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void.

So goodnight, dear void."

-Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail

I have never claimed to have You've Got Mail as one of my favorites but I have noticed that any time me and the other interns are trying to decided what movie to watch, this choice always makes it into the pile. It's a great go-to movie. When I was in college, my friends and I would quote this movie back and forth to each other until we quoted most of the movie. I always connected with the main character Kathleen Kelley*. She feels as though her life is small but valuable.

As of late, I feel that my world is really small. I am working at the Institute surrounded by incredible people who love the Lord and I have my job at Gap but I am still learning/navigating establishing community here in Branson. I was doing my quiet time this morning I was reminded that my favorite Bible characters lead very small lives. Take Moses: he wasn't a leader, he had a speech problem and tried to get out of serving the Lord. Jacob: a ordinary father who played favorites with his sons. Rahab: a prostitute. Mary: a teenage girl in love.

And they only thing that gave them value was the things they were doing that effected eternity. My life should be small and valuable because I serve a God who is bigger than any thing. My value is found in the Lord.

I lead a small life, valuable but small. I serve a big God and in Him I find my value and bravery.

*My current roommate's name is Kathleen Kelley, although she goes by Kate.

Even more than I expected.

Mini kamp reunion!

Dee and I in front of the Bean at Millennium Park!

The Bean!

I went out of town for a long weekend with my director and her daughter to Chicago. It was great to get away for a few days, since I have been an 'working adult' for a month now.

I returned home and checked my mail. I had 6 support letter responses!

Totaling $425! Which roughly is 12% of my goal!

One donation was in cash form and anonymous.

So if you happened to be reading this post, thank you.

The Lord has blessed me so much! Going to Ethiopia and Uganda is a reality!

More Blessings

I am in a month into my internship with the Kanakuk Institute (and currently on a train to Chicago for a long weekend.). I am loving it. I am constantly being challenged in ways I never expected. My fellow interns are incredible, so glad I get to know their hearts this year and one of my best friends from the Institute is staying on Kauai’s property working for Link Year. This year does not feel like a sophomore year of the Institute but I am so glad 9 pieces of my class have stayed here and I can be reminded how beautifully broken this past year was and how I absolutely loved my class (even though I know my class was the reasoning behind some new rules…)

I am so blessed to live in a town like Branson. The Lord is in the business of surprising His people. He knew exactly what I needed after coming out of the Institute, ready to take on the world. One of the biggest blessings of this year has been being able to get more involved with the community and my church. I started attending a weekly Precepts study. We finished Esther and are now moving on to Zachariah next week. I am staying busy piecing together a 40-hour work week with my internship and working with Gap. Topped with my master’s classes (graduation May ‘12!)

I am so excited because I have worked for Gap for a year and there are going to be about 6 students joining me there. My prayer is that we can overtake that place for the Lord. Gap may be my full-time mission field after this year (parents-don’t freak out). Part of me would love to stay there and work full-time and love those people with Christ’s love. I love that no matter where a Christian may work, it is their ministry and mission field.

I’m going to enter a stage of the unknown in April. I won’t have the security blanket of the bext step with school to cling too. This time two years ago, this fact would have terrified me. Not anymore. I refuse to be the person I was senior year of college. It’s liberating to not know the next step (hopefully in April when I am still unemployed I’ll still feel that way.)

BRING IT ON LORD.

Where you lead me, I am willing to go.

I am willing to do what you want me to do for YOUR Kingdom.

My goal is to testify to YOUR GRACE.

Acts 20:24, However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task Lord Jesus has given-the task of testifying to God’s grace.

Worst Fears

(This blog may contain graphic images)

When I was younger I watched a lot of 20/20. You know the show that was on Friday nights and Barbara Walters was the host? Anyway, this show caused a lot of (ir)rational fears in my life.

They range from hotel comforters to not using automatic hand dryers to pool drains to poisonous spiders (especially Black Widows and Brown Recluses). I used to have a re-occuring dream of these spiders crawling down my throat while I was asleep and biting my lungs. Now if I had the same reaction that Peter Parker had when he was bit by a spider I would fully welcome the bites*

A few days ago, the Institute students traveled to Joplin to volunteer for a few days to help with clean-up from the May tornadoes. The interns decided to go for the day and help out. My team of 11 (7 students and 4 interns) was assigned to a church distribution center to unload a tent of supplies into a trailer. We moved on to build a circus looking tent to house donations. As a team we had to move these massive boards that would serve as the floor. Literally, it took all 11 of us to flip these over and build the floor.

(I bet you're wondering how this relates to 20/20, I'll get there)

So we are about half way done and a girl drops the board and just goes "oh.my.goodness." and points to the board. Ladies and gentlemen there was a black widow the size of a nickel (which is HUGE). I came face to face with my fear. Luckily we had work gloves so it was picked up and then stepped on (which we heard a huge it pop...disgusting I know.) I mention to one of the students that I hate black widows and now I felt like they were crawling all over me. Then I say as long as I don't see a brown recluse I would be good. Three black widow sightings later, I see it. The brown recluse. These spiders are deadly. And gross looking. Here's the proof:

I came face to face with my fears...and then we I stepped on them and continued to work. But you better believe I did not remove my work gloves for the rest of the day. I still feel like they are crawling one me as I type this.

*Peter Parker=Spiderman

A Letter

Dear Kanakuk Institute Class of 2012:

Your world is about to be rocked. Rocked to a point that it is broken apart and you don’t know how it will be put together again. In that moment when you feel that all you knew was crashing down, all you have is you sweet Savior to run to. You will be ‘torn to pieces, but he will heal you. He has injured you. But he will bind up your wounds…that you may live in His presence (Hosea 6:1-3).

These 8 months are hard. They are painful. You are in a constant state of sanctification. You are being molded, put through the fire, refined and challenged. There is beauty in this. The beauty is the Lord restores you. He redeems you. He is made strong as you are discovering how weak you are. He is sovereign. He reveals your pride shows you that without Him you are nothing. And then you realize that the only thing that matters is knowing your Lord, you grow in ways you never felt possible.

In the midst of this year, you will be blessed beyond belief. You will meet some of the most incredible people. You will meet men and women who will change your life. The Lord uses your classmates and the staff to challenge, encourage and point you to the cross. Your life will ever be the same.

Cherish this year. It goes by fast and once the summer hits, your friends are spread across the country. You will never experience community like this again and you will long for it for the rest of your life. There is no experience like this year. What you learn this year will change the course of your life and you will be left wanting more of God's Word.

Study the Word. Make time for friends. Pay attention. Ask questions. Take things seriously. Stay accountable. Challenge yourself. Challenge others. Pray. Serve others. Be intentional. Know God.

Sincerely,

Institute Graduate, class of 2011

The Biebs.

I hate how much I love the movie 'Never Say Never'

Seriously. The weekend it came out on DVD I watched it three times in one weekend*

Any way, at the end of the movie the Biebs is quoted to say

"There's gonna be times in your life when people say you can't do something. And there's gonna be times in your life when people say that you can't live your dreams...this is what I tell them 'Never Say Never'!"

Ok. So he gets a lot of flack and whatever. I love him because he reminds me of the long boy-band phase I went through (*NSYNC and Backstreet Boys)...Can you imagine a boy-band made up of Biebers? I also love him because he was told it was impossible and is living proof that you can live your dreams. I don't love how obsessed The heart of a 13-year old is perfectly depicted in girls who have the Bieber fever (but I probably knew the exact same facts about my boys in *NSYNC.) If you don't believe me, watch the movie. It's sickening. Bt we all have been there at one point or another.

And I am ashamed that I just blogged about the Biebs.

I'll make up for it in a thought-provoking blog about something great like the Old Covenant vs. the New Covenant.

*In my defense I watched it with 14 year old girls at a slumber party, the second time I watched it with the host fam** and the third time...well I watched it with girls my age.

**My host fam's boys look like the biebs when they were little. No lie.