Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Heart that Breaks

I have been going through Nehemiah: A Heart that Can Break by Kelly Minter.  I bought the study with intentions of doing it this past spring with my church but in normal fashion, I over-committed myself and made the decision to not attend.  Little did I know that after a month in Africa, Nehemiah and I would have a lot in common.

The summary of Nehemiah is simple: it is a story of what God can do with a compassionate heart that understands that the Lord wants to redeem His people.  Nehemiah and I both have a heart for His people.

Nehemiah is rebuilding his people who have no hope.  We all need to rebuild.  It is a messy process, restoration takes time.  But it is worth every second to have a heart that the Lord can use to change the world.

It has almost been a month since I left my heart in another country.  As much as I wish I could forget the people I met while in Ethiopia and Uganda, I can't.  I selfishly want to live my life wiith the way it was before I left.  I returned changed.  I no longer want to live as an entitled American.  I want to work for the sole purpose of paying off my student loans to return to a country that captured my heart.  My heart is burdened with those who need the Gospel.

The Lord gave me a tender heart to see His people come to him through His Son.  I didn't ask to be changed.  I did not know that going there would mean that my heart would never feel the same.  I didn't know how radically I would want to change the way I have lived my life for 24 years.

I have trouble getting through each day without tears.  The weirdest things set me off but I think the reminder of the month I was gone is a blessing.  I don't ever want to forget how I felt walking back into the U.S.  The emptiness, the anger, and the bitterness have left a stain on my life and serve as a reminder of how blessed I am and what I need to do with that.

  At times, I want to sell all I own and walk away from the comfortable life I have been living.  I am Stateside (for now) but I have come to realize that "sometimes the most accomplished people are not the ones with the most ability but with the most breakable hearts (Kelly Minter)."

Nehemiah 9:31, Nevertheless, in Your great compassion You did not make an end of them or forsake them, For You are a gracious and compassionate God.

1 comment:

  1. can i just say that i appreciate the way you've processed the emotion of your trip since being back. i have lots of friends who struggle with the anger and bitterness toward a culture that lives in excess, they come back and it's hard to be around them because of their reaction to this culture. from what i have seen/read, you're processing those emotions gracefully and in a way that draws people near to hear what God has done in you. so thanks!