Creating Margin: Saying No

I have been mulling over how exhausted and busy I have been these past few weeks (or months).  Almost every night I have had something that has kept me out late or ended with me being mentally drained only to crash on the weekends to start the process again.  The last few months I have had to fight for joy on a weekly, sometimes daily basis and I think it has a lot to do with being over-comitted (and under-caffienated) because I have to fight for Christ being the forefront of my life because I have allowed distractions to take priority.

The presence of busyness in my life is the product of a deeper sin.  Most likely the desire to please people and my high need for achievement instead of resting in what the Lord says about me.  In my life busyness is like a sin.  I start out scheduling a fews things a few nights a week which results in me becoming overwhelmed and dreading the daily grind despite the fact I am content and love my life.  I vow to make changes and then I fall back into the trap a few weeks later.

I recently read a book by one of my favorite pastors, Kevin DeYoung.  He wrote one of my favorite books 'Just Do Something' and he did it again with his book 'Crazy Busy'.  Below is a little snippet of one of my best reads of this year.

“I have often marveled to think that Jesus was so terrifically busy, but only with the things he was supposed to do…He was busy, but never in a way that made him frantic, anxious, irritable, proud, envious, or distracted by lesser things…Jesus knew the difference between urgent and important. He understood that all the good things he could do were not necessarily the things he ought to do…Jesus understood his mission. He was not driven by the needs of others, though he often stopped to help hurting people. He was not driven by the approval of others, though he cared deeply for the lost and the broken.”

I was at a friend's house relearning statistics for my teaching exam last week and I always leave her house refreshed (despite the fact I was learning stats) and we talked about the danger of busyness and the importance of establishing margin.  I want to be available.  I need to be know how to differentiate between urgent and important.

Being busy with good things does not make someone a better Christian or more fruitful.  It just means you are busy and more prone to stress, exhaustion, and anxiety.

So to take this problem head on, I stopped saying yes and started saying no.  I gave up the idea of running a half marathon in May.  I stopped and made a list of top priorities and rearranged my life accordingly.  I have created margin.  I searched the New Testament and created a belief statement on busyness.  Jesus did not fill every need.  He did not heal every person.  He took time for Himself.    So now I have one scheduled evening a week.  I cut things out of my life.  I have room for intentional coffee dates, spontaneous adventures, times of personal refreshment, and opportunities to serve. Most importantly, I have time to focus on what I have been called to do.

Being busy had put my heart and joy in danger.  Dangers that I probably would not even have time to consider.  The great Counselor and great Physician is in the process of healing my overscheduled, exhausted soul.  So daily I pray through what healing looks like. I pray for discernment to know the difference in urgent and important. And to daily look to Christ's example in living my life.

When Community Becomes a Crutch.

I live in a small town but was raised a city girl.  I have been here for 4 years and I have no plans on leaving anytime soon.  I always said I would be here until the Lord called me elsewhere and when He did, I would pick up and move in a hearbeat despite the deep roots I have here.  I thought it was going to be for about 7 months but here I am.

I have friends from church that push me to the cross and encourage me in ministry.

I have coworkers who encourage me professionally in my pursuit of my teaching certificate.

I have families who have given me groceries or gas money in the moments that I could only afford to pay rent.

I have a group of friends that challenge me, hold me accountable, ask me the hard questions, and laugh with me.

I have women in my life in different stages that offer wisdom and discernment in moments of struggle.

I truly believe community can make or break you.

I know from experience I would be in a darker place without the community I have worked hard to establish.

But I would be in an even darker place if I pursued community as a replacement for the Gospel.

Community can be idolized in Christian circles.  Community can be the end result.  The pursuit of community can take place of the pursuit of the Lord.

At times, I have seen it take place of the Gospel.  In my own life I have seen how I have made decisions based on community.  So many times I have seen how I didn't seek the Lord in decisions but I sought the opinions of my community.  I took a safe approach to living my life and living in other's opinion instead of seeking the Lord.

I never want to be a believer that pursues the idea of community instead of the Gospel.  I want my community to mimic the Gospel, with the Gospel as the foundation.  I recently ran across this quote by Bonhoffer:

“The Christian, however, must bear the burden of a brother. He must suffer and endure the brother. It is only when he is a burden that another person is really a brother and not merely an object to be manipulated. The burden of men was so heavy for God Himself that He had to endure the Cross. God verily bore the burden of men in the body of Jesus Christ. But He bore them as a mother carries her child, as a shepherd enfolds the lost lamb that has been found. God took men upon Himself and they weighted Him to the ground, but God remained with them and they with God. In bearing with men God maintained fellowship with them. It was the law of Christ that was fulfilled in the Cross. And Christians must share in this law.” 

-Deitrich Bonhoffer

Communtiy should be the picture of the Gospel, not the Gospel itself.  Community needs to ask the hard questions that points us back to then cross and Scripture.

Dont get me wrong, community is great but it can hold you back fom living life according to the Gospel.

Beth Moore tweeted today and exactly what I have been mulling over the past week:

"Just gonna say it like this: get your hind end into a strong community of believers & yopur head in the Scriptures.  You cannot do this alone." 

We can't just have Biblical community, we have to pursue Scripture and pursue Christ.

HE has the power to transform our hearts.

Who Told You?

I wear white after Labor Day.  I think red roses are overrated.  I don't  typically read popular Christian books.  I'm not big into cliches.  A typical cliche for a believer is to start at Bible reading plan on January 1st so that by December 31st, they will have read through the entire Bible.  I started a plan this year.  I wanted to add structure to my quiet time and dig into books I typically don't study.

About two weeks ago I was in the beginning of Genesis.  I was reading about the creation and the fall.  I had gotten to chapter three and I was struck by possibly the most profound verses I have ever read.  It perfectly shows the heart of the Lord and how Satan feeds us lies about who we are. Genesis 3:10-11 says:

     They heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.  Then the Lord God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" He said, "I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid; so I hid myself"  And He said,  "Who told you that you were naked?"

Adam and Eve had discovered how deceptive Satan is.  It is one of the first times in Scripture that we see God's heart for His Children.  I think the questions we would be asked now look a little more like this:

Who told you that you weren't beautiful?

Who told you that you need to lose weight?

Who told you that you were going to fail your teaching exams?

Who told you that you weren't good enough?

Who told you that you had no future because of current setback?

Who told you that you weren't going to accomplish your dream?

Who told you that God couldn't use you because of past sin?

Who told you that you were naked?

I have to go back daily.  I have to "let truth scream louder to my soul than the lies that have infected me (Beth Moore)."  I have to dwell on Philippians 4:8-9 

     Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things,  The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

We have to remember that in Christ:

We are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)

His own (1 Corinthians 11:3)

God's workmanship and created in God's image (Ephesians 2:10)

Redeemed (Titus 2:14)

Alive (Ephesians 2:5)

Free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2)

A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)

A conqueror (Romans 8:17)

Forgiven (Ephesians 1:7)

Delivered from Darkness (Colossians 1:13)

Complete in Him (Colossians 2:10)

We are chosen (2 Timothy 1:9)

It is no secret that women typically struggle with insecurity and I am right there too.  Satan has a grip of areas in my life that I desperately want to drop the chains of bondage in which he has me in and I'm sure that is true of everyone.  I have sin I am working through right now and having to battle the lies I have fed myself over the years and allowed Satan to deceive me with.  I am having to rewire how I think and talk to myself.  I am taking steps and have accountability because I allowed Satan to tell me I was naked and not focus on what the Lord says of me.

But beautiful thing?

The cross of Calvary can set us free from all bondage.  The cross can wipe away every sin, and break every stronghold that Satan has on us.  The cross has the power to transform even the darkest areas of our hearts.

God is who He says He is.

God can do what He says He can do.

We are who God says we are..

The Weary World Rejoices

2013 was a weary year for me, in all aspects of my life: financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically, professionally, and relationally.  I look back on it glad I traveled the journey but also glad the journey is over for now.  I was hit with trials I felt inadequate to handle, I would get back on my feet only to be knocked down again. I spent a lot of my time questioning what career path I should be on and I spent countless hours crying out to the Lord in frustration.

It seem cliche to reflect on my year as it draws to an end but in scripture the Israelites took time to reflect on what the Lord has done (Joshua 4).  I grew in painful, stretching ways this year.  I lived in a constant state of transition.  I came face to face with the ugly sin in my heart.  I lived paycheck to about 4 days before my paycheck (thank goodness for quinoa).  I watched countless people in my life move to a different life phase while I am still living in this one.   I looked at each the problem and thought of all the ways it couldn't be solved instead of looking at Who could solve my problems.

I spent a lot of my year waiting for a miracle.  I wanted something to happen that would make my pain and trials make sense.  I wanted an instant moment and tangible sign from the Lord that everything would be okay.  I wanted a check to arrive in the mail, or a perfect job offer.  I wanted a miracle I could see.  Instead, I went on a journey that was long and hard, and at times I was filled with hopelessness.

But I would forget: there is a thrill of hope, and the weary world rejoices;
CHRIST IS THE LORD.

Christ was on the throne, Christ is on the throne, and Christ will always be on the throne.

My miracle has already happened.
I am a living testimony to the Lord's provision.
The devil on his best day did not take me on my worst day.
 I am still here and God is still sovereign.
Christ is still Lord.

A thrill of hope is a simple combination of words but it allows me to continue on in full confidence for 2014.
My hope?
Christ is King.
Christ has already won the battle.

My prayer at the beginning of 2013 was for the Lord to do what He needed to do to grow me closer to Him and in Christ-likeness.  Who am I to negate any situation that a sovereign God brings my way to bring me closer to His presence?  I prayed for 'immeasuribly more' (Eph. 3:20) and the Lord kept His promise, but in ways I didn't expect it.  I wouldn't trade my year.

There are still obstacles facing me in 2014.  I still have trials I am in the midst of right now.  I have bills that need to be paid, tests to be passed, pride and other sins in my heart, uncertainty in my future, and no idea how to fix a fan belt in my car.

But you know what?

"It will all shake out, meanwhile I'm putting up more twinkle lights"*

*Nora Ephron, You've Got Mail

Dairies of a Special Ed (hopeful) Teacher

I work in special education.
This was not a surprise to anyone but it was for me.

This essentially means that I spend my Saturday nights creating Pigeon costumes and making silly putty.

I spend my Sundays researching new techniques and strategies for working with Autism.  I spend my days teaching kids how read and count.  I am an expert at seeing when a complete mental and emotional breakdown is brewing and most of the time can prevent it.  But sometimes, I don't even try to fight it.

I leave my classroom exhausted and well after kids have loaded the busses.  I show up before they pull in for the day.  I spend my weekends hoping my kids had enough to eat.  I explain answers to the same questions at least 18 times a day, I have to change diapers, I deal with temper tantrums, and I would not have it any other way.

Every morning I am greeted by a stuttered sentence and a bear hug that says "Ms. Y., I miss you last night.", or one that says "Ms Y., you my best best fwend."  When I see my students in Wal-Mart, they run up and give me the biggest hug.

Even in all of this, my hardest day is filled with little victories.  On my hardest days, I wipe the slate clean and walk in the next morning ready for the day.

My relationship with my students is just a grain of sand in a desert compared to how the Lord's patience and mercy is with me.  I have been camping out in Lamentations recently, specifically chapter three.

Lamentations 3:21-23
     This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.  The Lord's loving-kindess indeed never ceases, For His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; Great ifs Your faithfulness.

I throw adult temper tantrums, I ask Him the same questions 18,000 times and expect the answer I want instead of the answer that I need.

My path was to special education point was filled with brokeness, tears, joy, and blind faith and obedience on the Lord. My journey with special education is just beginning, but I have a feeling that my kids will be teaching more about the Lord, grace, and patience than I ever could teach them.

What is Success?

I will receive final paycheck today at midnight.  After it is deposited into my bank account, I no longer have a source of guaranteed income.

The world says I should be freaking out.  The world says I should be looking for a job.

Instead, I am resting at the feet of Jesus.  I am giving myself time to relax.  I am choosing a different life.  I am making a conscience decision to trust in the Lord, knowing that He has called me to this season for a purpose.

The road to success doesn't look like it is 'supposed to' because the idea of 'supposed to' is a lie.   My timeline is not going as I planned.  The funny thing is, I wouldn't change where the Lord has brought me.  There are moments of worry.  There are moments of doubt.  And in those moments, I cling to HIS truth (and then watch You've Got Mail or a Meryl Streep movie).  But then, in ways I could never imagine, He comes through.  He gives me enough to remind me of His faithfulness, but not enough for me to forget my desperate, daily need for Him and His grace.

One of my favorite photos I took in Uganda was a picture of a small girl eating her lunch of beans of rice staring at a wall painted with different pictures.  What struck me about this wall, was there was nothing about it that made sense.  I'm sure over time, children drew a picture on it when they were bored and then carried on with their day, not knowing they were contributing to a masterpiece.

Each picture was different but together it made one of the most unique pieces of art I have ever seen.  I see the Lord doing that with each of our lives.   Each experience at the time may not make sense, but in the end, each of our lives have become a work of art that the Lord uses to bring us to the Cross.

After I was laid off, I had to redefine what it looked like to be successful.  You know what I came up with?  To love the Lord, to be willing to sacrifice anything for the sake of the Cross, to make disciples, to love His people.  Scripture never once specified how I am to do that.

Nothing goes as planned. The beauty of that is, is it actually does go as planned.  It goes as planned according to a Heavenly Father who loves us more than we could ever imagine.  It is a process of sanctification.  It is a process of making me more like Christ.  Who am I to question what the Lord using to get the various levels of sin out of my life?

So here I am.  Living in a small mid-western tourist town, pursuing a teaching degree because my heart for this place has the power to keep me in a town, unemployed.  But I am willing to stay because the Lord has called me to something greater.  He has called me to love His people where I'm at.  He has called me to trust Him with my income.  He has called me to where I am at.  And I am following in obedience.

Pennies from Heaven

Blog written March 27th-Two days after major life change occured

One of my favorite Christmas movies is Elf. I watch is all year long. What could be better than Will Ferrill dressed as an overgrown elf who falls in love with a blonde Zooey Deschanel? Nothing (that’s a little dramatic because we are completely discounting the beauty of ‘You’ve Got Mail’ and how at least one quote from that movie accurately describes my life 99% of the time). Plus one of my all-time favorite kamp memories involves a dear friend masquerading as Buddy during breakfast and pretending that Kauai’s dining hall staircase was an escalator. One of the few moments in my life I wish I had on camera. But anyway.

I was listening to the soundtrack at work today. I needed a little Christmas cheer. I have had some major life changes in the past few days and one song hit me hard. Have you ever listened to ‘Pennies from Heaven’ by Louis Prima? If you haven’t, look it up!

“If you want things you love, you must have showers,
(so when you hear it thunder). Don’t run under a tree.
There’ll be pennies from heaven for you and me.
(Every time it rains, it rains) Pennies from heaven
(Don'tcha know each cloud contains) Pennies from heaven?”

As I was processing those words, I was thinking about my walk with the Lord and my current situation. My first reaction this week was to run from the storm, to shut down in the midst of change, and complain about how my life wasn’t meant to be like this (and then watch 4 hours of Netflix and eat my weight in paleo ice cream). I gave myself a day to be upset, disappointed, and cry but then I moved on. I made a choice to see the pennies over the raindrops.

How often do we discount the pennies because we hear the thunder? Sometimes we need stand out from under the tree and watch the Lord change our hearts from seeing the rain to seeing that each cloud has a penny or two to offer. We have to make a choice of which one we will see.

We may not see the blessings immediately or even within the year but the confidence that there will be a blessing is worth walking through the rain. It is worth stepping out from under the tree and being soaked to watch the water turn into pennies.

I am walking a road I didn’t ask for or choose but I want to walk it with grace, honor, and integrity. I see the rain but mixed in the rain I see pennies from Heaven. I may not see why this road is the one I'm on but, in the words of Kid President "if there are two paths, I want to be on the one that leads to awesome."

It is what it is.